Tangled, tangled
Wednesday, Feb. 18, 2004, 9:25 a.m.

So I read this yesterday and it made me cry.



Yes, I am in fact, a dork. It just kind of hurt to realize that I wasn't able to share my engagement with my parents, not even over the phone. I only got to leave a message on the machine, that part of me worries got deleted without ever being listened to. Actually, to be honest, it hurt a lot, not being able to share that. I just miss them so much, I miss them being a part of my life, I miss all the little things I don't get to share... and I miss all the big things that would have been so much more special with their presence... Eh, I suppose I'm just being maudlin. Right now, I have more contact with my dad than I've had in... what, three years now? I should be grateful for that, not weepy because I don't have more...

Except that I'm trying to get up the courage to send my dad either a copy of the letter I sent to Larry (which came back return to sender), or a copy of the "What Really Happened" series (one, two, three, four, five, six, seven and seven a that I've posted here. I don't know. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to cut what little contact we have... and yet... how long can I go on, pretending everything's hunky dory when it's not, not by a long shot. I don't want to force him to choose between me and mom... to be brutally honest because I already know I'd lose. Or at least, that's what I'm relatively sure would happen based on previous experience. And I... I don't want to be the catalyst for a divorce, if that's what would happen. I just don't want it on my head. I may know, objectively, that Dad's got plenty of reason to divorce Mom... the affair that's been going on for... what, at least 8 years now? The way she treats him... but I don't think he'd do it; he loves her so much. That's actually one of the things I really cherish about him, his loyalty and devotion to her... and yet... he doesn't deserve the way he's being treated, he doesn't deserve the things she's doing... and some part of me can't help but hope that, if Dad actually laid down the law, said she had to choose between him and Larry, that maybe, just maybe, they'd have the strength to break away from him... So many possibilities, and so many of them ending in heartbreak and discontent... but at least they're the possibilities of the truth instead of this damn fantasy land they're living in now... I don't know. Is it better for Dad to have her this way than not to have her at all? It's not really my call... he knows. I know he does, but as long as he doesn't have to acknowledge it, face it, he doesn't have to do anything about it... If I start bringing it up... I'll be the bad guy, I'll be the one making him look at it instead of burying his head in the sand. And, to be brutally honest, I don't want to be the bad guy, I don't want to be the bearer of bad news... becuase it's highly likely that the messenger will be shot down. And I'll lose what little I've got... ugh! How tangled it all is.

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