Last night's fight
Thursday, Sept. 26, 2002, 9:42 a.m.

Well, Anthony and I got into a fight last night. Big deal, so what, right? I mean, how often have we been getting into fights lately...

It started because Matthew made a comment, intended to be flippant and my response was not appreciated. The three of us were discussing Friday night plans and talking about an impromptu party. I was asking about whether or not Matthew would mind me inviting Roya (I am not going to become a matchmaker!) given that they met before and I couldn't really tell if they got along or were just being polite. Matthew indicated it would be fine to invite Roya, and shortly after that I realized that Roya had said she was going to a wedding this weekend and wouldn't be able to attend.

"Well, maybe we could go to their party, then! You know, wedding parties are usually pretty good."

"True," I reply, "but we really don't know the people."

Matthew looks a little downcast at this. "Well, we'll just have to get someone we know to get married! How about you two?" he asks, grinning at Anthony and me. (Yes, that is proper English. Don't argue with me.)

Without really thinking about it, my immediate and vehemenent response was, "No!" Loudly.

"Whoa!" Matthew says. "That was a quick response!" He sounds surprised.

Anthony is saying to me, at the same time, something along the same lines. I can tell he's hurt and angry. The tension rises.

I try to make a general soothing comment, saying something about the fact that Anthony's never asked me, but Anthony is talking over me and I give up. I can't hear exactly what he's saying at first (because I was talking, too) but the gist of it was:

"Why don't you go home, then, after Matthew leaves!"

Matthew has been "leaving" for the last 30 minutes, but keeps getting sidetracked by different items of conversation. He says, "Are you guys waiting for me to leave so that you can discuss this?"

I start to make some polite disclaimer. "No, it's not--" I look at Matthew. "To be perfectly honest, yes." I laugh. "I'm not trying to be rude..."

He waves it off. "Hey, sorry to cause a fight!"

"Oh, it's not your fault," I say, with perhaps a little too much emphasis on the "your".

Matthew looks at Anthony. "Sorry to get you in trouble, man," he says with a sympathetic grin. He heads on out.

Anthony comes back and the argument begins. He tells me why he's hurt, why he feels rejected (understandably, all things considered), and how embarrassed he was by my comment.

I explain to him that the first thought that crossed my mind was "He won't ask!" and declined saying that as I was afraid it would embarrass him. I told him that his recent jokes about his lack of commitment have really hurt me.

He looks genuinely bewildered and asks what jokes he's made.

"Things like, 'Oh, look, she can't get him to commit, either' about something on TV. Things like that," I say.

He looks startled. He obviously doesn't remember having made the remark, but I know I've just repeated it to him verbatim because it cut me to the quick.

Looming over both of us through all of this remains the unspoken knowledge of Anna's engagement to someone she's been dating for a considerably shorter period of time than Anthony and I have been dating. And there's a part of me that feels like the reason he's been joking about committment lately (or, quite possibly the reason I've been more aware of it lately) is directly due to Anna's engagement. (If you don't know who Anna is and would like to read a very long story about it, look here and here and here . I'm not kidding. It's long!)

And, lurking in the back of my mind is the fear that...I really don't want to marry Anthony, that my immediate reaction was how I truly feel and that I'm digging myself in deeper by insisting on committment. I don't know, I don't get it.

The fight actually went relatively well. I didn't end up crying, really, and I stood my ground while still understanding where he was coming from. I got him to acknowledge that I had some valid points as well (which used to be very unusual and is getting more frequent).

Anthony did something after we'd pretty much talked it into the ground and were just getting frustrated with each other that he hasn't done in a long time. He suggested that we pray together. And when I agreed and he asked if I wanted to pray out loud or to ourselves, I told him that I get intimidated praying out loud in front of him, but that I liked hearing him pray out loud. And instead of insisting that we both pray silently or both pray out loud, he said that he'd pray out loud so that I could hear what he had to say and that he wouldn't mind if I prayed silently, as long as I let him know when I was starting and finishing, essentially, just asking me to say "Lord," out loud in the beginning and "Amen," out loud at the end.

Sometimes he astonishes me with his patience and understanding. All the same, I feel out of sorts and uneasy this morning. I don't like not knowing what I want...

last - next