I might actually finish and send it this time
Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003, 8:39 a.m.

Last night I started (again) writing a letter to Larry. This one is going to be different. I'm writing it on paper first, which is better for me. I tend to be able to write more clearly and concisely on paper. I guess it's because I have more time to think in between placing the words in writing, since I certainly can't write as quickly as I think. I prayed before I started writing, and every time I hit a difficult spot, I'd stop to pray. The apology, as always, was the easy part. I breezed past that because I am whole-heartedly sorry for the damage my lies and exaggeration caused. I have no problem saying that. It's when it gets to the pointing fingers part that I stumble. Somehow, as silly as it sounds, I feel... all grown up now. The things I couldn't say, couldn't write before because I was still trapped (when dealing with my family) in the mind of a 14 year old girl, I can say now. There's the phrase "leave and cleave" that they kept saying in our marriage prep class, talking about leaving the family of origin and cleaving to each other to start our own family. In doing that, I feel like I can face my parents and Larry as an adult now. I know that I've got Anthony's support, whatever ends up happening, and it makes such a huge difference.

I cried a lot last night, but I got into the difficult part. I got into laying on the line the things that did happen and the fact that they've never been acknowledged, never been discussed, and how that in and of itself made the whole situation worse, made me feel dirtier and even more ashamed because, if it couldn't be talked about, it obviously was pretty bad.

They made demands, conditions of reconciliation. It's my turn. I'm not saying this in a mean or vindictive way. The fact of the matter is this: I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was treated (Wow! I can't believe I'm saying that and believing that!), and I deserve to have that acknowledged. I'm not even asking for an apology from him... because to be brutally honest, it wouldn't be sincere. I don't think he regrets having behaved that way in the least, except, possibly, for the trouble it's caused him now. I'm only asking for acknowledgement that these things did happen. Because... some part of me still can't help but wonder, with as much as they deny it, if I'm just crazy and that none of it ever happened. Rationally speaking, even emotionally speaking, I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that that's not the case. Except for this small corner of my brain that keeps wanting to take the blame for everything, keeps wanting to say, "It's all my fault. I'm sorry. I'll be good now. It will all be better."

Fortunately, I recognize that for what it is and ignore it (mostly). That's not real, any more than the things I initially said happened are. The letter I'm writing to Larry... I'm seriously considering sending it out to everyone (via e-mail) that my mother sent her letter out to... except I can't tell if that's a desire for revenge or a legitimate attempt to make amends for what I did do wrong. (Am I just wanting to broadcast it to point out that I'm not the only one to blame, or am I wanting to broadcast it to let everyone see me admit that a lot of the things I said were not true?)

How tangled it all is! But at least I'm not sitting by passively anymore. I'm trying to do something about it. I can't help but feel that, even if this isn't exactly the right thing to do, it's better than sitting on my hands and saying, "Oh well! It's too big, I can't fix it, so I'll just ignore it." Which, to again be brutally honest, is what I've been doing. I've felt God nudging me, especially over the last week, to start working on figuring something out with my parents. For example, on Sunday, the message was about families in trouble and reconciliation (at the moment, the page I'm linking to doesn't yet have this Sunday's message posted... sorry!). It made me cry because I felt like God was speaking straight to my heart. Then that night, when my friend asked me to pray for her, she asked if I'd been praying for my family (which I haven't), and I've been having dreams for... oh, I don't know, at least the last week, but I think it's more like the last two weeks that are about my family and either confronting them or seeing them or having them in my life in some way. I can't tell you the number of times I've woken up in tears because of one of my dreams. So... the first step for any sort of communication has to be the letter to Larry. Like I said, I think this letter is going to be different...

If you're of the praying persuasion, I'd appreciate your encouragement!

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