Better
Wednesday, Jan. 15, 2003, 9:40 a.m.

So, I changed the layout. Got a complaint in regards to readability--and I was starting to have issues too. Unfortunately, I'm not html literate enough yet to create my own template from scratch, so I had to resort to good old d-land stand-bys. :) Not too bad, actually. I changed the background color. (At least I know how to do that much!) But no comments because I don't exactly know how to set them up...maybe I can lure the html guru over to my place tonight with promises of good food and ice cream and girl talk. Then I'll pounce, and force her to my computer! Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! (That was an evil laugh, by the way, in case you couldn't tell...)

Ok, well, after that brief interlude... on we go with the deep and meaningful stuff that rips my guts out and twirls them in knots before stuffing them back. And why, you ask, am I doing this? Because if I don't write it, face it, deal with it, I'm going to crumble when I write the letter. I'm not going to stand firm if I don't review the truth, objectively (as objectively as I can, that is...), and face up to my mistakes as well as theirs. It's not a one way street. Things happened that shouldn't have. My parents screwed up. But I screwed up in how I handled it too. I do owe Larry and my parents an apology for the lies. And I want, so badly, to have Daddy walk me down the aisle. I want, more than I can say, to have Mama hug me and call me Mrs. Logan after the ceremony. I want to see Mama and Daddy dancing at my reception and laughing at the lasagna that I always said I didn't like. I want so many things, and I'm so afraid that all I'm going to have to cherish is memories from before, and pictures from Steph's wedding... Mmmm... I'm almost in tears. That's no good. I'm trying, so hard, to put this in God's hands. To let it go, to let Him take care of it... but my hard-won independence is HARD to give up. Even though He works things out so much better than I do. :) I know what I need to do. I need to finish these entries, finish talking out what happened, and then I'll write a letter. I don't think that it's even going to be a long letter. I feel like... as I'm writing these things, I'm able to forgive Larry for all of them. I know it sounds crazy. You'd think, digging through all the old memories, the old hurts, I'd just get angrier and more bitter about it all--but I haven't. It's as if... I'm letting them all go. They're still there, don't get me wrong, they're never going to go away, they shaped so much of who I am and how I live... but... I can forgive him. I can even understand a lot of what caused him to behave that way. It doesn't excuse him, or make it right... but it means that I can do better in my life, I can get past the hurt, the anger, the hatred, and the bitterness, and I can love and live and forgive. I don't know if any of that makes any sense, but... here I am. And I'm getting better.

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