Researching for Back to School
Monday, Jan. 05, 2004, 11:16 p.m.

I'm going back to school this fall. I've been spending this evening looking into information about local universities, community colleges, and scholarships. I'm terrified. And I'm thrilled. And I'm horrified that I'm leaving a stable job where I finally have a good boss to try my wings at school. And I'm ecstatic that I've got Anthony's support, encouragement (and nagging) to do this. Someone who believes that I can do it... who is willing to tell me (repeatedly) that he is sure I can do it, even when I'm not. Not that my friends haven't been doing that for years, mind you. It's simply a little closer to home (hee, literally and figuratively) to have it come from my husband who I see every day. Sometimes, I get anxious... so many people think I can do it... what if I fail?? And there's a part of me that's so very certain I will fail. All the same, I'm excited, I've got butterflies in my stomach. I should have graduated last year and I'm finally going back, full-time, this fall. So far... it's seemed like this distant dream, you know? Oh, yeah, I'm going back to school full-time in the fall. It's easy to say when it was a year away. Not that it's significantly closer, time-wise, now... but now I'm doing research. I'm trying to apply for scholarships. I'm working on filling out applications and finding old transcripts. It's thrilling... Just like when you're at the very highest part of a roller-coaster, when you're looking down over the edge, just before the drop, the one that leaves your stomach a mile behind you. It doesn't mean that I won't scream in terror on the way down, but it's fun, exhilarating, it makes me feel truly alive. Huh! :) I know so many people who would make fun of me for comparing school to a roller coaster as far as excitement goes. But that's how it is for me. I love to learn. I really do. There's a part of me that's been so stunted while I've been floundering around, trying to figure out this "real life" thing. And now? Now I feel as if I've been walking in a cave... not necessarily pitch black, but dark and cramped. I feel like, not only can I see the light ahead, shining brightly, beckoning, looking more beautiful than I ever imagined, but soon, soon, I'll be able to stand up straight and stretch out fully, reach toward the sunlight. I do realize how silly this all sounds, how much this proves beyond all doubt that I'm a dork. I don't care, honestly.

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