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Food for Thought
Saturday, Jan. 17, 2004, 11:55 p.m.
Liz called today to talk, and in the middle of the conversation, she made a patented "Liz comment". She posed a "hypothetical" question... which really wasn't.
I have this friend, she says, who I think might be getting abused. Oh, not physically... at least, I've never seen any bruises... but I think that maybe she's being emotionally abused. What would you do? Can you think of a way I could ask her?
I thought, for a moment, that she might be talking about Mary, a mutual friend of ours, (See?? See? I keep doing this! Writing for someone else... except it's easier to write it that way than to try to explain or put a last name on there for me to remember somewhere down the line... I have no idea how to re-establish my normal writing style... or even if I want to...) who called while I was in Colorado. Except that it's unlike Liz to be so indirect if it was about Mary. She'd just come out and say, I think that Justin isn't treating Mary right, I think he emotionally abuses her, what can we say/do to help. That was the first flag... especially when throughout the conversation, she kept using neutral phrases instead of anything that might identify what person she was talking about.
They keep saying that it's easier to do what the other person wants than to argue about it.A couple of times in the conversation, Liz slipped up and said "she" instead of "they", so there's no doubt that "this person" is female. And honestly, the female friends Liz has are: Me, Ilsa, Mary (iffy), several co-workers that she's not very close to. Out of that group: a) Ilsa isn't in a current relationship and is trying to sever ties with Matthew (soon to be ex-husband) so I don't think that's who she's referring to; b) like I said, if it was Mary, Liz would just come out and say it; c) any of her co-workers wouldn't require secrecy because I don't know them, and will probably never see them, with the possible exception of a brief hello, should I ever go back to Liz's work while she's still there. Which leaves me. Maybe I'm being egotistical, but... I know Liz. I know that she doesn't normally skirt around things like this. Normally, she'd just come out with it, and the fact that she didn't, that she kept making comments that did fit with me... I can't help but think that she thinks I'm being abused.
They seem very... down, very distant, lately.
I thought it was just me, but someone else asked me if I thought this person might be getting abused.
Some of their behavior just doesn't make sense, and that's the only explanation I can think of.
It's not like I can just tell this person that there are shelters out there, or even just plain ask because they'd say no, not to mention be seriously hurt and upset about it all.
Which, to be honest, hurts... To be fair, I can see why she would think that. I wrap my whole life around Anthony. I love him so much, it hurts. I can't stand fighting with him, and I can't stand having him mad it me. It reduces me to tears faster than anything else in the world. I freaked out on New Year's Eve when Anthony got so mad that we left him behind, and didn't believe, or didn't want to listen when I tried to explain what happened. I still had some alcohol in my system (duh! They gave me half a bottle of Bacardi Razz! What did they expect???) and didn't do so hot at controlling my emotions. I mean, seriously, I would have been upset and irritated normally, but I wouldn't have cried. It was just... everything, you know? Going to that club... a bunch of different things. Seeing the way Liz and Zach acted... it's just not me. And there's the crux of the problem, really... I can see the way it looks, from her side; I've a) changed drastically, b) become a lot more serious, c) pretty much stopped drinking, d) am obviously not doing anything with other guys... all the things I used to do when I was going to Colorado State... well, I don't do those things anymore... except write. :) I don't want to do those things any more. Been there, done that, don't wanna go back again... Why should being able to out-drink all my friends be something to be proud of??? I'm MARRIED, I'm in love, it's not like I need multiple partners. It's not like I even remotely want multiple partners. I think, sometimes, that she just doesn't understand how much getting married changed things between Anthony and me. The only change I really regret... is not laughing as much anymore. The thing is, when we're together, just the two of us, and he's not so serious? The silly things he does, the way he makes the stuffed animals talk, the way he goofs around with me or just says ridiculous things... he makes me so happy. I guess I just feel like I need to defend him. It's not him, it's me. Oh, I know, that's such a cliché "battered woman" thing to say...
The problem is, really, that I'm pre-programmed to expect that, if I don't do everything in my power to keep him happy, even at the expense of my own happiness, that he'll stop loving me. I know, objectively, that he's not like that, he's not going to stop loving me just because I didn't do the dishes. And still... some part of me keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know? I can't help it... with the way things were with my parents, I just have these... ingrained expectations and automatic responses. It's not where I want to be... and part of the reason I locked up here. What's funny is that I was already working on my new template before she called. I really am spreading my wings... in a different way than Liz thinks I should, but... well, I love her to death, but it's my life. I want it to go in a particular direction and I'm happy with the direction my life is heading. I've always been too old for my age... why should it be any different at 22 than it was at 15?
Don't get me wrong, Anthony's "broken" in some ways, too. I'm not the only one. He freaks out about weird things, is pre-programmed in odd ways... but we're both helping each other to heal. It's not going to be an overnight process... it's been three and a half years so far and we've got a long way to go. But what it all boils down to is this: I love him and I treat him the best I know how; he loves me and treats me the best he knows how. Neither of us is perfect and so we do things that hurt each other sometimes... but that doesn't amount to emotional abuse.
The conversation did make me think, though... about some of my automatic responses that I want to re-evaluate.
Mmmm... I'm tired. I started writing just shy of midnight, and here it is, an hour later. It's been a long time since I've written anything, thought about anything, for such a long time.