I'm feeling fragile
Thursday, Sept. 11, 2003, 11:02 a.m.

I'm feeling a bit fragile this morning. See, I haven't slept well in over two weeks, what with the dreams I've been having and all. To be honest, I feel as if I'm being somewhat disrespectful to whine about feeling poorly, given that today is the 2nd anniversary of 9/11. There are so many people who are, I'm sure, hurting so much worse than I am... but I don't actually know any of those people. So, while my heart goes out to them... I'm going to talk about something a little closer to home.

So, somewhat unsurprisingly, I haven't continued with the letter to Larry. I've had very good excuses... but honestly speaking, I need to get working on it again. I'm tired of the dreams and I have the feeling that the two are very much related. "I'm feeling fragile." That's the perfect description of how I feel right now. I feel as if I could easily break if I were dropped or handled too roughly. (Great time to be working in the complaint department, huh?) I feel as if I'm a piece of spun glass, stretched thin and tight, balancing one tension against another, trying to look beautiful and light, but feeling like nothing more than over-heated sand.

Unrelated to that metaphor, I'm on the verge of tears for no particular reason.

And last night... well, let's just say that last night didn't go very well. We didn't get in a fight or anything... it's just... ugh! I hate being so self-conscious and self-doubting. The thing is, Anthony tends to take my lack of self-esteem personally, like he's done something wrong... Sometimes, it's just that there were too many years before without someone building me up... Sometimes, I just don't know how to handle how good he is to me and my responses get skewed...

Granted, some of this is hormones, but, I just feel so stressed. The thing the Kyra talked about... I've had that happen. Not just recently, but I have. I know how terrifying that is.

Anyway... this is a terribly disjointed, rambling entry and I'm not staying on any particular topic (other than being ridiculously gloomy) for very long. Plesae excuse me. I'm just feeling fragile right now.

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