Mama, if only...
Tuesday, Aug. 12, 2003, 6:04 p.m.

Hey Mama,

I had a salad for lunch today, and it made me think of you. You know what it was? It was lettuce and cottage cheese, Italian dressing, and saltine crackers. Yeah, I knew that would make you smile. Who knew our silly little habit would turn into a craving I just have to have?

So, the wedding went beautifully. It was so amazing. I missed having you and Daddy there. It was wonderful having Hank walk me down the aisle, but... well, I wish Daddy could have done it. And Mama? I knew you wouldn't be there, but I saved you a part anyway. I wouldn't let anyone else light the individual tapers for lighting the unity candle. The wedding coordinator did it as part of the set up. We had the rehearsal dinner the night before, and Anthony's dad asked us about it. He wanted me to have Gramma light my candle so that Anthony's mom could light his. We did so many things that were traditional, it bothered him that we didn't do that. But I couldn't explain to him that... something had to be yours. We didn't do the father-daughter mother-son dance at the reception, either. I saved that for Daddy. I know you didn't come because I never sent the apology to Larry, never got things cleared up... I know that you see all this as being my fault. I did, too, actually. But I don't now. I made things much worse than they had to be, I complicated it beyond belief... but I wasn't wrong for speaking up. I don't think you'll ever agree with me on that. But that doesn't stop me from wishing. It doesn't stop me from hoping that, someday you'll be able to see and play with my babies. That we can have a conversation, write a letter, chat through e-mail about every-day mundane things, the things that make life so special, without it turning into a fight or buckets of tears.

Oh, Mama... I'm so happy. I want so much to share all of this with you, all the insights, the confidence, the beauty, and most of all the love. I want you to really get to know Anthony instead of only hearing about him from me, instead of judging him from the one time you met him.

You always used to love my letters, said that it was just like talking to me. There were so many things at the wedding that were just... beautiful, wonderful, fantastic, amazing... none of those words comes close but it's all I can think of. Hee. Do you know what? I almost ended up walking down the aisle without any underwear on! Yeah, I'd been running around in sweats all day, doing last minute things. (I forgot to pack for my honeymoon until the morning of the wedding! That consisted of me tearing through my closet, throwing things I liked on my bed, and Liz and Zach folding and packing for me! Ironically enough, they couldn't find my underwear either, and we had to buy some while we were in Tahoe!) So, since I'd been running around in the sweats I slept in, I didn't have any underwear on. And I didn't think to grab any when I was getting the things to go to the church to get dressed. I realized after we'd been there for about 45 minutes (Dawn Marie was doing my hair, it was beautiful) that I had no underwear on, and no underwear to change into. The worst of it was, since my bridesmaids all had to get ready, Dawn was doing my hair, and Aunt Colleen and Gramma were supervising the decorating crew... Zach had to go fetch my underwear! And, since my apartment is 45 minutes away from the church, and we had about an hour before the ceremony started, I figured I'd be going down the aisle commando. Now there's a story for my grandchildren, eh? But Zach arrived, literally 2 minutes before I was supposed to walk out there. I don't even want to guess how badly he was speeding, but he sure saved the day for me! I could just see myself, tripping as I walked up the couple of steps to the alter, flashing almost every single one of my friends and relatives, not to mention Anthony's friends and relatives... whoo! What a story that would be! That was my near-catastrophe for the wedding. Well, it wouldn't really have been a catastrophe, unless I really did trip, but still...

And then, out I went, to wait with Hank and the bridesmaids and groomsmen and the flower girls. That's when it finally it me that it was real. That this wasn't just another rehearsal. I was so happy, I had to keep blinking back the tears. And I looked over at Hank and he looked like he was about to cry. He didn't get to walk his girls down the aisle, Mama. It meant so much to him to be able to walk me down. And I just kept trying to remember to breathe because I was so excited and so ecstatic that I kept breathing too fast or holding my breath. I watched each couple head down the aisle before me. And I kept thinking... this is it! We're really going to be married! I'm going to be his wife!

It was so amazing when I walked through those doors. All I could see was his face. I've never seen him look so happy, so thrilled as he was at that moment. I almost forgot to stop for Hank to give me away. The veil was hotter than I thought it would be. I mean, it was just a layer of gauze, but whoo! And I locked my knees when I got up there. Oh, I know, they told us 15 times (probably more!) not to do that, but it all flew right out of my head, looking at Anthony. I almost fainted! Hah, what a sight that would have been. Between the heat and locking my knees... but Anthony held onto my hands, and tried to blow gently in my face without anyone noticing. I took a few deep breaths, and it was all ok.

The pastor talked about Star Trek. It seemed fitting, somehow, and wonderfully appropriate. It made everyone laugh. And he talked about how amazing marriage is... to be honest, I really don't remember what all he said, but at least it's on video tape! I just remember looking at Anthony, thinking he'd never looked so good as he did right then, thinking that I'd get to spend the rest of my life with him, get to start a family with him. And I kept blinking back the tears because I was so happy.

Then we got to the vows (and the veil was finally raised) and the things he said, Mama, were so amazing... He loves me so much. And I cried, of course. He's a poet. Did I tell you that? I don't think I did. He's only shown me things he used to write. And he ony used to write when Hahn broke his heart. Everything I read was so heart-wrenching and sad, it made me want to cry. But this, what he wrote for me, Mama... was so beautiful, so full of love and joy... And then I tried to say my vows, but I kept choking up and having to stop. I was kind of embarrassed about it at the time, but everyone told me afterward that it was so touching... Can't find the copies right now, but I will soon. And then the pastor spoke a little more (I think), and we went to light our unity candle, and take communion. And we prayed together. I know you don't believe in all this, Mama, but... God means so much to me, to us. It was the most amazing thing to be able to share that together, after saying our vows, to have some of the first things we did be publicly dedicated to God. And He blessed us, Mama. I was so happy, I was still tearing up. I had the hardest time speaking. But it was amazing. Then we went back to the front to be presented as man and wife. And the kiss! Whoa! I hadn't expected it to be so... so... well, I just hadn't expected it. See, Anthony gets really shy about displaying affection in public. I really expected the kiss to just be a quick one. It wasn't, though. Boy, it was anything but! And then we walked back down the aisle. We went around a corner and stole a couple kisses before everyone else started getting out and mobbing us. :) All three of my bridesmaids, I found out at that point, had been in tears during the ceremony. They were gorgeous! And they were all smiling and crying and laughing. Oh, it was marvelous.

And then there were interminable pictures! Half an hour! Hah! That's how long they promised it would take, but we didn't get to the reception until 8:15 (I think)! The ceremony was over about 6:45, so we should've been out of there by 7:15, or so, but it was almost an hour they were taking pictures! I'll be glad of it when I get to see them, but at the time, I was so impatient to get going! I wanted to see everyone and dance. And I really danced, Mama. Almost every slow song, and even a decent portion of the faster ones! Imagine that! Little Miss I-don't-want-to-learn-to-dance. It was marvelous. We were there for about four hours, but it flew by so fast. Our first dance was amazing. People blew bubbles at us and the light was so soft... it just seemed like a dream, cheesy as that sounds. And the cake was wonderful. He was so gentle and nice about it. So was I. I'm glad, even though a lot of other people teased us and said we should have smeared it. Oh, and I got Liz's nose with frosting! After graduation and a birthday party where she smeared cake into my face, I felt that a little frosting on the nose was justified. Evidently, there were lots of pictures for that. My knee ended up giving out when I tried to lean away from Liz (who was, of course, trying to get me back); I can only bend so far back, after all. And we forgot the garter. So you know what we did? The DJ suggested it. We took the bow-tie from the neck of one of the groomsmen! Oh, and the bouquet that I tossed? It was an "exploding" bouquet that the florist designed herself. You pull a ribbon as you throw it, and instead of one bouquet going out, you have 4 or 5. It was pretty cool to see everyone surprised and several people getting the bouquets.

Hmmm... so many things, I don't remember them all, to tell the truth, but the reception was so much fun.

Oh! And I forgot to tell you. We had the bachelorette party the night before the wedding! That was so fun. Mostly it was family and then Ilsa, Liz, and Alicia. I only slept for two hours. I just couldn't stay still any longer. We didn't go to bed until 2:30 in the morning, and I was back up by 4:30. I tried to sleep, but when Dawn and Jonna got up at 6:30 (they're used to Texas time, of course, and so it felt much later to them), I got up with them. Since everyone else was still asleep, I went in and took a bath to try to relax. And try to read. It didn't happen, but at least I managed to occupy myself until a decent time (around 8:30) when I had to start getting everyone up so we could clean up and head back home. It was marvelous.

Oh, Mama... if only you'd been here. It would have been so good to share all of this with you in person instead of like this.

I love you.

Me.

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