And Now, For the REST of the Story...
Thursday, Jan. 23, 2003, 10:36 a.m.

You know, it's funny. I wrote most of those things--the last five or so entries--before I ever came to know God. And it's so obvious to me now that I was looking for Him, needing Him...without ever realizing it. So, the entry that's posted about five or six posts ago (explaining how I came to God) needs a little further explanation.

Along with that night, I'd been feeling amazing things going on. Back-track. Remember, part of the whole reason I came out to California was to escape everything going on at home? All the stuff with Larry, with Joseph dying, with failing all my classes... Yeah, so... when I came out here, I was hurting and, without knowing it, looking for God to fill the void. I met Anthony at work, and he invited me to church with him. I decided to go. It's not like I had anything better to do. And Sunday after Sunday the topics they were addressing went straight to my heart. It was like God was speaking directly to me. It amazes me to think that... he went to all that trouble, just to arrange it for me. (Go ahead, laugh it off as coincidence. It's your right. But it's also my right to say that I think you're wrong.) There were too many times, too many weeks in a row. And I started going to the morning service, too, not just the evening college group. And I was amazed, because these messages seemed to be addressed directly to me, too. Too many times to just be coincidence. For probably two months, every Sunday, twice a day...covering things like forgiveness, abuse in the past, sometimes things that I'd just discussed that day with my grandmother or Anthony. I came to the point where I had to acknowledge that... something or someone was out there. (Which is a HUGE step from being an atheist and adamantly declaring there was no such thing!) I came to the point where, even though I acknowledged that... there was something more to life than this, I didn't want to claim that something as my master. I blamed all the awful things on him, Joseph dying, Larry, hundreds of other little things that I hadn't been able to let go, that I cherished and became more and more bitter over. Every time I felt God reaching for me, I'd throw one of those things at Him. Here! What about this, huh? Where were you for this?

And I slowly began to realize, as I threw all these things at Him, that He had been there. And He truly had never given me more than I could bear. I was struggling, so hard, with all these things. And I was scared. Because I was learning, between church and Bible studies with Anthony, that if I was to claim God as my Lord... I'd have to give up my independence. And that terrified me. I'd worked so hard to achieve that independence, so hard to find my own way, do it myself... and now, here you are, asking me to give it up? A part of me longed to just throw myself whole-heartedly into His arms, to take the comfort offered and move on from there. And a part of me held up my walls jealously, searching for the slightest crack, to make sure there was a barrier so that I wouldn't be vulnerable, again, so that I couldn't be hurt, again, so that I wouldn't have to give myself up, again. And it was hard. So, that's what lead up to this (How I Became a Christian).

And after that night, Anthony and Adrianne and I sat down to do a Bible study, to understand about Jesus. Who He was (I wasn't ready to face who He still IS), what He did, why He did it... And I understood, in time, why he HAD to do it. That took a lot, to understand why God couldn't just forgive everyone without putting Himself/His Son through so much torture.

But...God is infinitely just as well as infinitely merciful. And being both requires that a sacrifice be made. Someone had to pay the price for our mistakes. So He came down Himself to make the sacrifice, lived with us, as one of us, imposing on Himself the limitations of a human body. And He died for us. For ME. That was the amazing thing to realize. As painful and awful as it must have been for Him, He would have done it if I was the only person in the whole of the universe. I can't even comprehend how much He loves me. Mmmm... there are so many things running through my head right now... so many different points to think about, arguments to make in the hopes that someone will understand... And not enough time.

I'm terrible. I have to get back to work. I didn't intend to spend so long here...Bad, bad, bad Tessa!

Oh, and the title of this entry? That's a reference to Paul Harvey.

Look here if you don't know who Paul Harvey is. This is an example of the kinds of radio broadcasts he did. :)

Oooh! I found this link when I was looking to find a good one to explain Paul Harvey and the rest of the story... What a great link, given the topic of my post! :) Christian info

last - next