Sorry for the drama
Monday, Oct. 13, 2003, 10:03 a.m.

*sidles shame-facedly into the room*. Ahem. Please excuse the previous post. I was not quite in my right mind. I've been overstressed and it was the product of 3 days (well, nights, really) of fighting, crying, and general unpleasantness, lack of sleep, lack of good sleep when I do manage to lie prone for a while, hormones, too much to do at work, wishing and hoping and hating myself for wishing and hoping that there would be some sort of positive response to the letter, feeling like I'm failing to meet my obligations, money worries, and just generally not enough hours in the day. So... that's what prompted that message. Suffice it to say that, well, it was a false alarm, and I apologize for it. I realized over the weekend that not writing was adding to my stress level rather than reducing it, so... I'm back. And will probably stay for a while. It's entirely possible that, at some point, I will be locking up the diary, but I would be happy to supply passwords to those who want them.

So, for Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday of last week, Anthony and I were intermittently fighting/bickering on subjects ranging from planned activities to the housework to relationships with others to feeling unappreciated. All in all, we're both stressed out pretty badly and since we're both essentially stretched to the max, there's not a lot of give in either of us right now. So things that would normally be extremely minor are getting taken to heart and over-reacted to, on both our parts (although, generally speaking, the over-reaction tends to come from me more than him). The truth of the matter is that my whole world revolves around Anthony. When I'm having difficulties with him, suddenly, the rest of the world seems a whole lot more threatening, intimidating, and downright scary. Things that would otherwise be small stressors turn into major catastrophes (well, in my view, at least) and I don't cope well. Add to that the major stress over having finally sent the apology letter to Larry... and waiting for a response... and waiting... and waiting when I know they've received it, is maddening. I kept trying to tell myself when I sent it that it wouldn't fix anything, probably wouldn't even really change anything, and, when anyone asked about it, I made sure the disclaimer was attached, "Well, I sent it, but I'm not expecting any response." But that was a lie. I was. I want a response so badly it makes me cry. I wnat to be able to have my parents in my life again. I want to be able to call my mother and tell her all these things about being married. I want to be able to groan to her about how bizarre and frightening my new in-laws are (I spent all day Saturday with Anthony's mother, brother, sister, and niece... that was just... traumatic), and I want to be able to hear what's going on in her life, too... how her knees are doing, whether or not they've figured out what's wrong with her body that they thought it might have been MS, what's going on with the farm, whether Nick will graduate this year or not... just a million things, everyday things that probably hold no significance for anyone else... childish as it may sound, I miss my Mama and Daddy. I miss my little brother who is something like 6 inches taller than me. I want them back in my life. To be honest, I don't really want to deal with Larry. It's easier if he's just an object, the thing that caused so much pain... but he's not a thing, he's a human being, and I caused him pain, too. Ugh... Anyway, the lack of sleep and lack of good sleep are related to too many things running through my head and horrid dreams when I actually manage to sleep (which, of course, also contributes to lack of sleep as I wake up screaming and don't want to close my eyes). Please accept my sincere apologies. I realize that it's not so cool to cry wolf, and... well, I really didn't think I was when I wrote that. Anyway, sorry for the confusion and drama.

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